My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

Boy am I ugly. I’m so ugly that when I was born the doctor slapped my mother.

My mother, she wouldn’t breastfeed me, she said she liked me as a friend.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

Then later as I was growing up, when I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Boy I was an ugly kid. I had plenty of pimples, one day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I met the surgeon general, he gave me a cigarette.

Then I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

I told my doctor I want to get a vasectomy. He told me that with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

I told my doctor, “Every day I wake up, I look in the mirror, I want to throw up. What’s wrong with me?” He said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.

I tell ya, I know I’m ugly. My proctologist stuck his finger in my mouth.