I am of the age to have kids, some of my friends have them, but I have mixed feelings about it, just wondering about other people’s experiences.
I have them, they are great. Here are a few obvious things I’ve learned that I didn’t appreciate beforehand:
The complexity of the endeavor rises exponentially with the number of kids. That is to say, 3 is a much bigger leap from 2 than 2 was from 1.
They get dramatically more expensive and complicated as they get older. All that exhausting baby activity is the easy part. As you start to figure out how to do it, the rules shift and you have to get learning again.
I never imagined how much of adult life as a parent revolves around the literal management of shit. Between kids, pets, and aging parents, I just never expected to be so preoccupied with the logistics of excrement. I guess I was living in some kind of Disneyland in the before times. You sort of get used to it though. Sort of.
Such a wise and thoughtful answer 😊👍
I would love to have kids. It seems like my biggest wish in the world. People keep telling me that having children was the most beautiful thing that happened to them. Still no baby after 9 fertility treatments, only a couple of miscarriages. I am 40 now and I have almost no time left. I feel broken by Al the treatments. Lost my work. Adoption is impossible in my country.
I would love to know how other people learn to live with this feeling.
7 years of trying for us. Still no luck. Doctors haven’t been able to tell us why. It’s rough some days. But one way we cope is to try to be the best aunt & uncle possible to our nieces.
Yes, that helps for me too! I have the cutest nephew who I see once a week and sometimes he sleeps over. In some cases it hurts, because it feels very empty when he leaves, but overall I am very happy to have at least him.
I’ve got a few friends in similar situations.
- One couple it ended up working out for a single embryo on the second to last attempt.
- Another couple went the adoption route, ended up with two boys about the same age (one they adopted when he was a baby, the other was I think 5 or 6?). Both boys graduated college in the past few years actually! Great kids.
- A third couple opted to just not have kids. They got a dog about a year after the last attempt, which became like a stand in for a child to them. They both kept working and financially are quite well off, traveling and exploring passion projects. It took some time and therapy, wasn’t easy, but they are quite happy with where they are now.
Is surrogacy an option? We’re a same-sex couple, so we are in a similar boat.
The problem has likely to do with the quality of my egg cells. They are not certain about this, but it is the most likely explanation. This means that surrogacy would not solve that problem. An egg cell donation might. However, in my country it is quite difficult to have access to that. There are large sperms banks, but not large banks for egg cells. So, we would need to find someone in our environment to donate an egg cell to me.
Are you a male or female couple (biologically I mean for making the child)? What happens here is that there are some women who do not have a partner, but still want a child. They often get a child together with a male gay couple and they raise the child with the three of them. I think government is even working on it to be possible for a child to have three parents legally. This is how my uncles got their twins. I am not sure whether this works the same with female couples. I see them often at the fertility treatment center, so I believe that they probably use the sperm bank.
Aww, sorry to hear that. Hopefully you can find an egg donor. We are two men, so we aren’t quite as fortunate that way. Finding another couple or woman who was interested in having children together would be very lucky. We’re hopeful, but it seems fairly unlikely. Surrogacy might be our best option.
Thank you. I really hope you do find another couple or woman who you can have children with. I have seen it work very well in practice. I think my uncles went on a website that matches people and there was some process a bit similar to dating on beforehand when they tried to find a match. However, in the end, of was a friend that was interested.
She wanted to have children, but did not have a partner. She also wanted to make sure the children had a father, so this was a good solution for her as well. Now they even have two fathers!
I hope you can find a solution like this or surrogacy. I think that everyone that is capable of taking care of a child and who wants it should be able to have one. I think it is one of the most fundamental experiences you can have in life. Good luck!
That’s good to know! Is the website local, or for many countries? I’d be interested in seeing it!
And good luck to you too ❤️
Thank you! 😊
I checked and I think it is only for the Netherlands (https://www.meerdangewenst.nl/category/oproepjes/oproepen-wensouders). I am not sure what country you are from, but I hope that there is something similar. I do not think that this is unique for the Netherlands probably.
Thank you that is good to know :)
Have kids. The only regret is the world we brought them into. Wouldn’t trade them for anything. But we have many fears about their future. We still thought the world could be saved with recycling and buying efficient cars. Dubya was an anomaly. Things would return to their boring 1990’s progression. Not anymore.
Climate change is essentially unstoppable at this point, the only choices are how bad it will be. Politics globally seem to be shifting to right wing populism, nationalism, fascism. Good luck if your kids aren’t straight, white males. Economically the system stopped making sense. Worthless companies worth billions. Billionaires with private space programs. A new gilded age with widening disparity. Companies literally paying homage to the new “king” hoping for some kind of investiture or favor.
E: point being the world is pointed in an objectively worse direction.
Not in this economy u.u
No and no. I don’t think I’d want to subject my kids to where the world is headed. Also, too much of a long-term commitment that would significantly reduce my opportunities to do what I want, travel etc.
Early 30s and no, I won’t have kids for many reasons, those are my top 5:
- I barely hold it together on a day to day basis, I can’t imagine having to put my needs aside and care for someone else 24/7 for decades.
- The current state of the world is frightening, I would feel horrible putting someone in whatever will happen in the years to come.
- I have a high chance of transmitting my ADHD/ASD (my family is pretty much all ADHD/ASD) and I don’t want to willingly put someone through that, even with a good support system.
- More money, more time
- I have nieces and nephews, so I can be the cool uncle whenever I want.
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I’m 41. I decided I didn’t want kids when I was probably 14 or 15. I do not regret the decision at all, and believe that if I were 11 today, I’d probably make the decision as an 11 year old and not wait so long until I’m 14 or 15.
No, no, and no.
I was born into a dying world. Before I was old enough to have a say, my elders sold our planet to corporations. Now, fascism is rising across the globe, global temperatures are reaching critical levels, and we’re circling the drain of late-stage capitalism. To introduce new life to this world would be a mistake. I would never damn anyone else to my fate.
I’ve had to break off het relationships over not wanting to children, but I’ve never regretted it. If anything, each new horror that happens reinforces my vow.
Is like to, but I won’t before I’m in a good enough life situation, and either seems improbable or very far away, and while men can definitely have kids to very late in life, I don’t want to wear diapers at the same time as my kids might.
So yeah, mixed feelings.
If I won the lotto right now and found a spouse, sure. Out side from that, nah, prolly not.
I have 1 year old twins.
It’s been a tough road all the way along. Years of IVF, complex and stressful pregnancy, some serious health issues at first. Everyone fit and well now.
It’s kind of odd to be asked whether I regret anything. Like do I regret having an arm, or do I regret that the world is round.
I will say that it’s a genuine privilege to be involved in their lives every day and to be with them when they experience things.
Waht I regret pf having kids is my financial situation and who I had kids with. I should have chosen better but I was stupid and naive back in the day…
Mid 30s here. When i was younger i never wanted kids. I would always tell my parents i never wanted any as well. Fast forward about 15-20 years, people would tell me im great with kids and i should have some. The problem with this is that i am great with kids for about 2-3 hours and then im like…get this thing away from me. People have also told me that its different when they are your own.
Well one day i booked an appointment to get a vasectomy and havent looked back yet. I also got married to someone who shares the same feelings as me towards having no kids. Life is great and havent thought of any regrets.
People have told me that I’m good with kids too. But here’s the thing…it’s actually super easy to give a child attention and follow them around for several hours. I’m not sure why people praise me for it. I guess because some people don’t care enough to give the kids the time of day or something?
But the not easy part is the taking care of them eternally thing. Parenting through meltdowns…always being there 24/7/365 with no breaks…having to always feed and clean them…etc. The list goes on.
I know it’s dark to say, but one of the things I fear I’d do is end up with one of those parents who is driven crazy and inadvertently kills their child from shaken baby syndrome.
Early 30s and no.
- the world has enough people
- I have no interest in giving up my comforts for another being right now
- I never asked to be here and I hate that I am most of the time so why would I force that on another being
- if I ever change my mind and am in a good enough spot economically I will just adopt. imo if I can’t afford to adopt then I can’t afford a child and I’m fine with that.
- I’m stoked about being the weird/cool auntie, parenthood would take that away from me
No to all. I get to spend all my time and money with my wife. We can travel, watch concerts, and do any activity without having to worry about babysitting, getting home early, etc.
